I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
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Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.