Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
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Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
you stereotypes are all alike
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
how high up are we talkin’?
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.