@subtweetopath

I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.

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@9262Laura

I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.

@Mr_Kapowski

I want to know the backstory of when an eyelash turns evil and says “That’s it. I’m done protecting the eye. I’m going in to destroy it now”

@Brianhopecomedy

Brought my 5 year old to the tax office to ensure that the accountant works as quickly as possible.

@justabloodygame

A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.

“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.

@DCpierson

A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is

@thepaulahunt

“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.

@AdamantxYves

– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?

@AmnesiaRose

Yes you impress me but so does a new set of windshield wipers.

@kristendrum

*sees any 3 stars in a row*

(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”