I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
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they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
My beach vacation Google searches
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*