I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
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Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses