This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
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Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Friends that check up on you >
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.