I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
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*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.