I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.

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Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”

Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”


Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.

Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS


Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?


I sprayed Taylor Swift’s new perfume on me then started writing a five page letter to the boy who forgot to put a straw in my bag at Arby’s.


I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡


Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
M: Bowling. Chill.


Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate