I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
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I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
When life hands you women, make women laid.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.