I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
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Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”