[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
You Might Also Like
Kill them with kindness. Stab them in the heart with a puppy
One time a giant spider crawled up my sleeve.
Ironically, that’s also the day I learned karate on a ladder.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
just when I started to freak out I noticed the ghost that haunts my ensuite had written “don’t panic, you ate beets last night” with lipstick on the mirror and I am so grateful to have such a good friend
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
I stay in shape by drinking lots of water during the day and exercising by walking to and from the bathroom forty times at night.