@TravLeBlanc

I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!

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@liltiddygothgf3

[at the spelling bee]

moderator: your word is parole

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: depends what you’re in for

@BigJDubz

Kill them with kindness. Stab them in the heart with a puppy

@jergarl

One time a giant spider crawled up my sleeve.

Ironically, that’s also the day I learned karate on a ladder.

@EmissaryKerry

And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.

@GawdOffalTweets

just when I started to freak out I noticed the ghost that haunts my ensuite had written “don’t panic, you ate beets last night” with lipstick on the mirror and I am so grateful to have such a good friend

@OneFunnyMummy

Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.

@bornmiserable

“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.

@rockymomax

[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO

@Sarcasticsapien

I stay in shape by drinking lots of water during the day and exercising by walking to and from the bathroom forty times at night.