I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
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Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.