I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
You Might Also Like
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE