I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
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grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Phonetics
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.