@carlyken

I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.

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@TheMichaelRock

Me: Be back after lunch!

Boss: OK

Me: *texts boss APRIL FOOLS LOL*

*goes home, turns on baseball*

@Home_Halfway

[After sex]

HER:

ME:

HER;

ME:

HER:

ME:

HER: Never use your Elmo voice again

@Playing_Dad

Wife: My friend’s turkey died. She’s really sad. I want to bring her something. What can I get her?

Me: How about some gravy?

@justabloodygame

Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.

@Mamaoutoforder

Thanks for throwing that tantrum now I see the error of my ways.

said no parent ever.

@TweetPotato314

me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home

wife: what happened to you?

me: I met a celebrity this morning

wife: and….

[earlier at the car wash]

optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?

@SonOfCha

Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.

@BoomBoomBetty

Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.

Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.