I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
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The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.