School be like
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
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Me: Be back after lunch!
Me: *texts boss APRIL FOOLS LOL*
*goes home, turns on baseball*
HER: Never use your Elmo voice again
Wife: My friend’s turkey died. She’s really sad. I want to bring her something. What can I get her?
Me: How about some gravy?
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
Thanks for throwing that tantrum now I see the error of my ways.
said no parent ever.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.