I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
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[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
when you don’t want to be too vague
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
My biological clock is wheezing.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.