I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
You Might Also Like
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.