The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
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Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Sticker placement is key.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.