@CelebrityChez

I’m not afraid to admit that I’m not the sharpest elevator in the sea.

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@juicymorsel

Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.

@copymama

I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.

@SacamanoB

Whenever I wake up in a bad mood I always wear a shirt I don’t like just in case I turn into The Hulk.

@WilliamAder

First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.

@UncleDuke1969

911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.

@alldrolledup

my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up

me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair

@wyatt_privilege

one time in an oral argument the other guy made a latin legal joke I didn’t get, but the judge didn’t get it either so he just sounded like a moron while being smarter than both of us

@Reverend_Banjo

It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.

@causticbob

Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob

@CulturedRuffian

Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.