I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
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I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*