I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
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The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.