Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
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DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.