I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
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i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
dream blunt rotation
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles