@myles_morrison

I’m not an alcoholic. I’m soberphobic.

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@TheToddWilliams

[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?

@HatfieldAnne

In the early hours, the hoarse retching of a cat with a hairball. First one out of bed has to clean up. My bladder is empty. Bring it.

@david8hughes

I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.

@1MeLrO

If you can’t call your kid at 8:30 in the morning from the next bedroom to bring you a drink

What’s the point of them having a cell phone

@The_Albinoshrek

Son: I want a quinceañera.

Me: You can’t have one

Son: Why not?

Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year

*ps: he is also 16*

@Darlainky

Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.

@moose_chocolate

A coworker told me she was “catching up on her correspondence” so apparently it’s 1932 here at my workplace.

@MuttCutts

“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.

@bossy_bootz

Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind

Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’

Me : Be there in 10 min