Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
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People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
This checks out
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on