JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
I’m not an alcoholic. I’m soberphobic.
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In the early hours, the hoarse retching of a cat with a hairball. First one out of bed has to clean up. My bladder is empty. Bring it.
The Proclaimers walked 500 miles without a Fitbit?
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
If you can’t call your kid at 8:30 in the morning from the next bedroom to bring you a drink
What’s the point of them having a cell phone
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
A coworker told me she was “catching up on her correspondence” so apparently it’s 1932 here at my workplace.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min