judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
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Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
Not all heroes wear capes…
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
😆this is so true
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur