I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
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orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..