Coworker: Are you seeing anyone?
CW: Then why are you dating her?
Me: No, I meant you’re standing in front of me.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
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Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Microwaves should have a “Pfft” button.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
[Movie pitch in Hollywood]
A mythical creature who likes to dance moves to a small town where dancing’s illegal. We’ll call it BigfootLoose
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.