“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
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*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia