@UncleDuke1969

“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”

“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”

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@Sarcasticsapien

Coworker: Are you seeing anyone?
Me: Unfortunately.
CW: Then why are you dating her?
Me: No, I meant you’re standing in front of me.

@TheAlexNevil

Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.

@punmagnate

What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?

@StinkyGr33n

[Movie pitch in Hollywood]

A mythical creature who likes to dance moves to a small town where dancing’s illegal. We’ll call it BigfootLoose

@daemonic3

The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.

@AtticusFinch79

Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?

*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*

H- Are you waving at the ground?

Me-Yes to both

@msbhaven81

I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective