[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
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Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
For my 19000 tweet? A joke…
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
ok boss, i duck taped the hostage’s mouth shut
“you mean duct taped, right?”
*cuts to hostage with live mallard stuffed in his mouth*
McDonald’s is now selling the Big MacGyver. Just a slab of meat a paper clip and some foil with a note that says “You figure it out.”
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.