Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
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Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.