I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
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Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
I commented to a friend that I didn’t know how goofy Scream was. It turns out I have never seen Scream. I saw Scary Movie.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.