WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
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My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
what do u call a sleeping pizza
ha ha haha
someone date me plss
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Hot girls on Twitter:
Single and straight: 3%
Taken and straight: 15%
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.