@NYC_Blonde

I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.

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@TheChalls

Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.

Why not? We’re roofers.

Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.

@AndyAsAdjective

*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*

“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”

@iwearaonesie

*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30

*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05

@brianbowman73

I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”

At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.

@MikeCanRant

*watches as both hands turn into devils*
*looks over sink*
HAND SATANIZER
“Oh, this is just great”

@philYama

If losing a debate, end a sentence with “see what I did there?”. As your opponent tries to figure it out, hit them with closest blunt object

@dumbbeezie

Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again

@daisy_gi11

Anybody else always feel at least a little panic when their 6 says he “really needs scissors, like right now!”?

@KeetPotato

[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”

@RxitWounds

[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle