I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.

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WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you


My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.


I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…

I never knew those were synonyms.


what do u call a sleeping pizza

a piZzza

ha ha haha

someone date me plss


The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.

The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.


Hot girls on Twitter:
Single and straight: 3%
Lesbians: 12%
Taken and straight: 15%
Men: 70%


The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.


Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.