@NYC_Blonde

I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.

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@ericsshadow

WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you

@Diversion50

My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.

@Mom_Overboard

I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…

I never knew those were synonyms.

@UmmmSassy

what do u call a sleeping pizza

a piZzza

ha ha haha

someone date me plss

@LoveNLunchmeat

The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.

The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.

@charliedelta7

Hot girls on Twitter:
Single and straight: 3%
Lesbians: 12%
Taken and straight: 15%
Men: 70%

@Darlainky

The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.

@JamesHavoc

Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.