@astonoha

I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet

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@SammySkinns

“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”

That is definitely a reality show I would watch.

@DiscoFruit

[3rd grade]
bae: come over
me: no
bae: my parents aren’t home.
me: but we’re only 7, that’s awful parenting.
bae: but-
me: AWFUL. PARENTING.

@trojansauce

[about to have sex]
WIFE: what happened to all the condoms?!
[cut to]
ME: *making balloon animals at work*
[cut back]
ME: affair

@OLDIRTYDIAPER

Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”

@Cpin42

It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid

@dinokitten

*at adoption center*

“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”

@aka_fatman

I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.

@ArfMeasures

DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser

@TheAndrewNadeau

If a Transformer died could you just use it’s body as a regular car? Like, respectfully tho.

@TattleTSister

Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.