I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
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Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.