I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
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[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.