I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
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OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.