I’m not an olympic sprinter, I just run like one when my ex wants to talk.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
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i fixed ur flag pin for u sean
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex