@JJSummertime

I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.

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@Parentpains

I’m not an olympic sprinter, I just run like one when my ex wants to talk.

@Gre_Gone

Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*

@Beesthegame

[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.

@Henry_3k

As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.

@KickSumHunibuns

[tree falls in forest]

[doesnt make a sound]

GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—

TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh

@TheCatWhisprer

You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.

@david8hughes

[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly

@protolalia

He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.

@AngelaEhh

Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?

*flashes back to ex

*shudders