I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
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I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
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ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No