@SavoirFail

I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.

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@KentWGraham

My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.

@notalogin

*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?

@kumailn

Shocking that people who’ve been physically assaulting each other for 3 hours would lose their tempers.

@Cpin42

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate

@abbycohenwl

I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation

@LeBearGirdle

*valentine’s night*

Me: I got you a new pair of shoes

Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!

Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you

@midnight_cowboi

When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.

@0000seapea808

Pro tip:

Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex

@mistakentweets

Texting…because men didn’t have a hard enough time understanding women before so we had to take away the ability to convey tone.