@comes_night

I’m not attached.

Me writing to my crush: Dear Slim, I wrote you, but you still ain’t callin’

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@junejuly12

[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.

[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?

@FrogAvalanche

*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.

@finah

reminder that winnie the pooh wore a crop top with no panties and ate his favorite food and loved himself and you can too

@jessokfine

My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”

@bigmacher

Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.

@BraandoCommando

[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!

@buttsword

women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us

@TheBoydP

Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?

@rowdyforsheriff

I’m just looking for a woman who’s smart, funny, sexy and can drive me to a bank heist today at 3pm

@CoopSoSarc

Maybe I’m just drunk, but this toilet looks alot like my neighbors car.