@vulcan_kelly

I’m not being creepy but i can see thru my binoculars that your family portrait is hanging crooked on your wall

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@sageboggs

“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”

@DaddyJew

My first day as a cat burglar,

Victim: you know you don’t actually have to dress up like a cat when you do this

Me: *hisses

@iinkedZombie

Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?

Me: I wanted to watch it again.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.

@sixthformpoet

How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.

@mdob11

‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.

@McNevich

Total shocker that you actually have to pay for things when you get to the register. Go ahead and dump your purse on the counter. We’ll wait

@SlenderSwab

Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday

@LaTreiHinton

Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..