Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
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Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.