“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
I’m not being creepy but i can see thru my binoculars that your family portrait is hanging crooked on your wall
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My first day as a cat burglar,
Victim: you know you don’t actually have to dress up like a cat when you do this
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Total shocker that you actually have to pay for things when you get to the register. Go ahead and dump your purse on the counter. We’ll wait
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
I need a hobby where I say stuff and people follow me around.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..