@Wine_honey1

I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.

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@HomeWithPeanut

2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?

Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.

4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?

My wife:

Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.

@DaddyJew

It’s super neat of my body to keep a second chin around at all times in case I ever lose my first one🙄

@erica_rosie

Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)

@iamspacegirl

[Spelling Bee]

Judge: Your word is… Grease.

Me: Grease is the word?

Judge: Yes. Grease is the word that you heard.

@GarreTheFerret

My bank sends a text with my balance. It’s a nice feature but I didn’t think the LOL was necessary.

@AlmightyBored

I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.

@kidphonic

Funny how you can tell a child Santa is made up and they accept it immediately, but you tell an adult God is made up, and they throw a fit.

@Shock_Monster

Frozen pizza recalled?

The government appears to have changed tactics to combat drug users:

Legalize pot, but take away their food.

@sixfootcandy

[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.