2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?
Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
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It’s super neat of my body to keep a second chin around at all times in case I ever lose my first one🙄
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Judge: Your word is… Grease.
Me: Grease is the word?
Judge: Yes. Grease is the word that you heard.
My bank sends a text with my balance. It’s a nice feature but I didn’t think the LOL was necessary.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Funny how you can tell a child Santa is made up and they accept it immediately, but you tell an adult God is made up, and they throw a fit.
Frozen pizza recalled?
The government appears to have changed tactics to combat drug users:
Legalize pot, but take away their food.
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.