@Tw1tter_K1tten Not only did I find 5 grey hairs on the top of my head but they were also sticking straight up. So….I’m transforming into Albert Einstein.
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@Tw1tter_K1tten 
@sbellelauren whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
@kimlockhartga Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
@AllisulliOTProf It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
@bellalawtonn The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
@AnOrangeSNES Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
@OctopusCaveman Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
@mompsychologist 3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
@andlikelaura Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god