@sir_shithead_I
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
@truegritrumble
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
@BurroFuma
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
@FilthyRichmond
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
@pudding_club
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
@GaryJanetti
Rio declares state of emergency just before Olympics. That’s like inviting people to your house for dinner but you have no food. Or house.
@Lalaw143
I’m currently in a very serious relationship ,we don’t even smile .
@nbadag
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
@BrandandCo
I feel like Neil deGrasse Tyson would be the most annoying person in the world to watch Space Jam with
@AGreaterMonster
My mom sent me a two paragraph email to inform me that she had called customer service and received $17 off her flight to see me.
