Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
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ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Rio declares state of emergency just before Olympics. That’s like inviting people to your house for dinner but you have no food. Or house.
I’m currently in a very serious relationship ,we don’t even smile .
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
I feel like Neil deGrasse Tyson would be the most annoying person in the world to watch Space Jam with
My mom sent me a two paragraph email to inform me that she had called customer service and received $17 off her flight to see me.