i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
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Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
The pen is writier than the sword.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?