ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
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i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
two people or more is called a problem
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers