so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
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Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.