Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
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“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
mumsnet is amazing