@ToxicProbably

I’m not drunk enough for this

*gets drunk

I’m too drunk for this

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@KatieBurnett

Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide

@goodtimenoel

Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.

@duumb

journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?

me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]

@lukejarret

[Pompeii 79 AD]

me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.

@cameronrbrown

Just one more week until I can finally eat candy out of my socks again…. without looking weird.

@GiggleQueen2018

Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.

His need for me and only me.

• The cat wants to be fed.

@MelanieMeljo

I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.

@SarahSurgey1

Adam Driver looks like someone tried to draw Keanu Reeves from memory

@_ElvishPresley_

Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot