I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
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*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
BRO LMFAO
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.