*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
I’m not drunk enough for this
I’m too drunk for this
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Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Just one more week until I can finally eat candy out of my socks again…. without looking weird.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.
His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Adam Driver looks like someone tried to draw Keanu Reeves from memory
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot