Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
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[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION