“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
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19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS