“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”

~Me passing out candy on Halloween

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Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”

*Turns on laser*

*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*


Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.


Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.


Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.


her tinder bio: i like guys who are into heavy metal

[later at dinner]

her: why are you doing this?

me [dressed in chainmail and eating with a spade]: doing what??


People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.


[before sex]

Just so you know.. I can only be on top cause’ I’m not gonna take my backpack off


“You are cute like a dog, Momma!”

My daughter is very sweet but we must work on her ability to compliment.


Dealer: …and this car comes with a back up camera.
Me: Cool, Where’s the main camera?
Dealer: No, there’s just one camera; for backing up.
Me: Ah yes, *nodding* to the cloud.
Dealer: No.