@UncleDuke1969

I’m not embarrassed.

I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.

(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)

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@SudsBitches

My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.

@PressOneForNo

When your toddlers are teenagers don’t forget to wake them at 5am because your sock came off

@pittdave13

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter

@notacroc

Waiter: and for you?

Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas

@LaniBeno

Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.

@reallifemommy3

Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!

@HousewifeOfHell

You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.

@English_Channel

It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down

@Mom_Overboard

Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*

Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?

Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR