@UncleDuke1969

I’m not embarrassed.

I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.

(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)

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@TheLemon_

You remind me of my big toe. Mainly, because I am going to bang you on every piece of furniture I own.

@TheHyyyype

FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles

[later]

WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-

ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg

@_little_old_me

A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”

@relatabledad

[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*

@MomOnFire

The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.

@Reverend_Scott

teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees

class: OOOOH

[opens hawk cage]

class: AAAHHH

[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES

@SamGrittner

if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel

@osigat

<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.

@stevevsninjas

[garden]

tomato plant: how’s your summer?

pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year

tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-

ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.