My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
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*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
When your toddlers are teenagers don’t forget to wake them at 5am because your sock came off
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR