I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
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I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”