You remind me of my big toe. Mainly, because I am going to bang you on every piece of furniture I own.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
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FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
[opens hawk cage]
RELEASE THE BEES
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs