“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
You Might Also Like
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.