@treydayway

I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween

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@Gupton68

*puts on new Fitbit*

*steps on scales*

Welp, this is bullshit!

@TheAlexNevil

Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.

@shwebby3

She said she wanted to see other people

So I bought a disguise

@chris_isloi

Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.

@canadasandra

I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.

@notalogin

Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.

@julietactually

him: what are u wearing
me: overalls
him: do u want to slip into something more comfortable
me: more comfortable than overalls? wtf

@brianbowman73

I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.

I should’ve just stayed in the car.

@jjhartinger

If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.