I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween

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*puts on new Fitbit*

*steps on scales*

Welp, this is bullshit!


Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.


She said she wanted to see other people

So I bought a disguise


Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.


I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.


Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.


him: what are u wearing
me: overalls
him: do u want to slip into something more comfortable
me: more comfortable than overalls? wtf


I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.

I should’ve just stayed in the car.


If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.