I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
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PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”