I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
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My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”