Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
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Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?