I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
You Might Also Like
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?