I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
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He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation