I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
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I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
How do dragons blow out candles?
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.