@Jay1972Jay

I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.

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@Fred_Delicious

[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”

@Lola_Areola

Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks

@Notoliviasteel

DOCTOR: u broke ur leg in five places, how did this happen
ME:*flashback of me trying to carry too much ice cream up the stairs* bears.

@Home_Halfway

I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”

@SvnSxty

*on the phone*

God: I’ve read it

God: Yes, SEVERAL hard reboots

God: A meteor

God: No warranty, no

God: I tampered with Pangea

God: You think I don’t know that?

God: *pulling hair* THERE’S NO RECEIPT

*spying*

Batman: Who’s he talking to

Robin: Holy tech support Batman

@ginadivittorio

‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?

@jjhartinger

Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.

@MamaFizzles

11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.

@itsallbollocks

my kid’s angry and giving me the silent treatment, this is very hard *makes coffee, puts feet up, opens twitter*

@captaincoximus

When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework